Kasper Interviews Author Ichabod Temperance

ickyandkitkaIchabod Temperance is a silly little fellow living in picturesque Irondale Alabama, USA with his lovely gracious and patient muse, Miss Persephone Plumtartt, and their furry pack family.

Ohhh, my noggin. What has happened? I took a whallop upside the head and woke up in a place far from my time and home. Instead of it being the modern era of 1877 like it ought to be, I am in the distant past of England’s Dark Ages! There are mighty warriors in gleaming armour, and beautiful ladies wearing colourful gowns with taffeta secured dunce caps.
This is the castle Camelot! I am in the company of King Arthur and his majestic Knights!

Golly, can you imagine? Me, Ichabod Temperance, an Alabama tinker in King Arthur’s Camelot!

Oh, Goodness, it ain’t took too long before I already have trouble up to my hat’s brim what with Mr. Merlin, Miss Morgana, and a big mean knight in black armour getting bristly with me. Gee whiz, if I ain’t careful, I might end up wrecking there ever having been a Western Civilization!

Publish date: November 13, 2015

Excerpt:

“Alas, the King’s standards are slipping. This is a sign that it is
time to set the coup in motion.”

“Do you mean ‘coo’, like a pigeon?”

“No, I mean coup as in coup d’etat, which means, oh never mind, it
doesn’t concern you anyway. Come, you intrigue me, my low-born Knight.
Pickings have been slim lately. Perhaps I’ll go slumming, just this
once. You may accompany me to dinner.”

“Gee whiz, thanks, Ma’am, I’m always hungry!”

“Come, my errant Knight.”

“Golly Miss Mistress Morgana le Meerrin, Ma’am, that sure ‘nough is
a form fitting gown you’re a wearing! I didn’t know dresses could fit
that tight! I reckon there ain’t nothing inappropriate to it since it
covers every inch of your body from the cuffs of your sleeves to the
oval of space surrounding your bemused facial features, but at the same
time the clingy, shiny black fabric clearly shows off your fearsome form
with every gliding, sensual step you take as you descend your monster
rock throne.”

“Yes, it does. You are so observant to notice, my pet. I invite you
to follow me to the dining hall.”

“Yes, Ma’am!”

“Eh hem, I sayeth, m’lord, but thou art keenly aware of the swaying
of this keep’s Mistress’s hips, art thou naughtte, for merry, you have
been, and remain, as transfixed upon the gentle rolling swells of our
hostess’ generous, shapely bum as she leads us through dank corridor and
up stony stair what so that made your observational captivity oh so much
easier, eh hem, lo the past three minutes!”

“Hunh?”

“Here we are, my little Knight. Oh, you, the quest-wench. I didn’t
notice that you were tagging along. You are free to leave, little bird.”

“Hunh? Hey! Miss Stephanie is staying right here with us!”

~sigh~ “Don’t get excited, my child. Very well, she may stay, as
long as she remains silent.”

“Thanks, Miss Mistress Morgana Le Meerrin, Ma’am. Um, we’ve been
having some nice weather lately, ain’t we, hunh?”

“I am naughtte one that is concerned with the weather. I want wine!
Slyck, where dost thou hide? Bring me my wine!”

“Eek! Yes, my Mistress! Here I am! Now then, here’s glasses all
around. And now I shall carefully pull the cork from the bottle.”
~courck!~ “and now I shall carefully pour a glass for our visiting
Knight…”

~SMASH!~ “You imbecile! I am the Mistress of this castle! I am
always seen to first!”

“Hey, easy there. There ain’t no need to go swiping that there
bottle out of this boy’s hands to smash on the floor like that! It was a
simple error in judgement!”

“SILENCE! I shall dispatch this worthless knave and send for a
replacement.”

“Now, there ain’t no need to fire this young man.”

“When I said ‘dispatch’, I did not intend dismissing him from his
place of employment.”

“Oh, you meant you were going to kill him. Oh! You meant you were
going to kill him!”

“It is actually a fortunate occasion. I have a brand new
poison-injecting finger-cap thimble needle that I have been eager to try
out. The finely crafted silver piece…”

“Looks like pewter to me, Ma’am.”

“Shut your filthy mouth; it’s silver! Anyway, it fits over my
middle finger like this. I now insert the needle into this handy poison
reservoir that lies within a secret compartment on a ring upon the
finger of my opposite hand to load up the killing device.”

“Oh my Goodness, Miss Stephanie, Mistress Morgana Le Meerrin is
gonna slay poor little ol’ Spyke, I mean, Slyck! What are we gonna do?”

“Ah, the needle is loaded and all that remains is for me to plunge
the poison filled needle of painful death into the offending party’s
neck thusly…”

“Freeze, right where you are, Morgana Le Meerrin! If you move one
more inch, ruin and damnation shall pour down out of the Heavens in such
a rain of righteous punishment that you will be pummelled right down to
the deepest bowels of this Earth to burn for all eternity! Do you
naughtte know what terrible being you have allowed into your keep?
Foolish woman! This is the great magician that blotted out the Sun, even
while he burned alive! The Sun burns only by his tender mercy and only
by same does it yet shine. This is the great sorcerer that accepted a
challenge from none other than the Great Merlin! The skies poured out a
torrent of lightning such as has never been seen! This man took all the
terrible magics that wizard could summon and laughed! Then he sent
Merlin’s keep to melt into the Earth and will be there waiting for you
in Hades when you arrive! This is the undefeated champion wizard of
Camelot! He rides a chariot that is blown along its path by the fiery
breath of the dragon itself! This be the man that art the man! Bow down
and beg for mercy! Tremble with fear in your final folly! This be Ichabod!”

“Eek!”

“On your knees, cursed she-beast! If thou even thinkest of harming
this page, the Great Ichabod will turn you into a toad, foul sorceress!
You will spend your days living in the moat, a bloated, croaking,
amphibian Queen!”

“Eek! Mercy, Ichabod!”

“Hunh? Oh, I mean, yeah, all that kind of terrible stuff is going
to happen you if don’t quit acting like you’re going to kill Slyck! You
need to quit playing around and start behaving yourself, Ma’am!”

Work in Progress:

Book title:A Journey of Temperance

Genre:Steampunk/fantasy/humour

Synopsis: Well you see, what happened was, me and Miss Plumtartt
were testing out a new piece of mining equipment when it went out of
control. When our ship had stopped tunnelling through the Earth, we
popped out in the hollow center. Middle o’ Earth is populated by all
sorts of wondrous and magical, though dangerous, creatures. Me and Miss
Plumtartt had better be careful or we ain’t going to survive this here
battle and monster filled high fantasy epic!

  • Publish date: The near future…
  • Publisher: Ichabod Temperance!
  • Author Interview with Kasper:

    Hi Ichabod, welcome to our interview time machine. Your books are like a breath of fresh air with their originality.

    What was the defining event that made you start writing?
    T’was a gruesome construction accident that led to my writing career. A tiny sliver of steel from a protruding piece of rebar {the steel reinforcement used in concrete} got lodged in my brain. Prior to that incident, now less than three years ago, I had never written so much as a grocery list, and now, I have self-pubbed eight novels and am moments from releasing my ninth novel!

    Yes, you have been quite industrious.
    What made you choose this genre?
    I think the genre of steampunk chose me!

    How did you go about developing your cover artwork?
    -The first book happened by accident! Miss Plumtartt and I wrote a blog journal entry adventure together to build back stories for our steampunk personas. I combined these to form that novel. A follower of our adventure is a silhouette enthusiast. He generously cut out a set of Miss Plumtartt and myself. When I decided to release the adventure, I asked another friend to come up with a book cover using the silhouettes. I was thrilled with the result! I have maintained the silhouette and retro themed covers in subsequent series releases.

    What are you working on now?
    -I have a friend in Australia, named Kasper Beaumont. She has a lovely blog and generously interviews aspiring authors. I am currently filling out her author questionnaire. Oh, wait, you mean what book am I working on, right? It is a sweeping epic! A High Fantasy saga spanning many Ages! There are trolls, and dwarves, and witches, and wizards, and elves and centaurs but especially, there are DRAGONS!

    Haha, Icky. You do have a funny sense of humour.
    What’s your writing routine?

    -Left to right.

    What do you do when you have writers’ block?
    Use a bigger hammer.

    Which book character are you most like and why?
    -I mostly favour Ichabod Temperance, because I am he and he is me and we are he together.

    What are your writing plans for this year?
    I intend to document my ridiculous exploits.

    Who inspires you?
    Miss Persephone Plumtartt!

    Who would you like to be stuck on a deserted planet with?
    Raquel Welch! {In a bunny fur bikini!}

    Who would you choose to read your audiobook?
    -Ichabod Temperance! Funny you should ask, Kaz, but I am working on an audio book right now! It will be released at any moment! I skipped the first three of my books, and started with the fourth book, ‘A Study in Temperance’. It is my Sherlock Holmes adventure! I sure hope I did a good job with everybody’s voices. I write almost exclusively in dialogue, so getting the voices right is very important.

    What’s your dream job and do you think you’ll do it one day?
    Oh, golly, Kaz, I sure hope so! I heard of a gigantic ship being built. It is named, the ‘Titanic’. I am hoping to get a job working in the engine room! This is the biggest steam engine on Earth! I can’t wait until her maiden voyage! Wish me luck!

    Oh, that sounds like Steampunk heaven.
    Quick quiz:

    Favourite food: Pasquetti

    Silliest saying: Go easy on the sour cream. {That’s silly, I would never say that!}

    Best holiday spot: Miss Plumtartt’s bosom.

    Favourite song at the moment: Afternoon Delight

    Star Wars or Lord of the Rings: Star Wars for the movies, and LotR for the books.

    Number one thing to do on your bucket list: Quit adding buckets to my collection.

    Lucky last question: Tell me, Ichabod, are you really as handsome in person, as you purport yourself to be in your books?

    No.

    Oh, Icky. You are so much fun. Thanks for joining us for the interview. I wonder where and when we will find your next adventure.

    Interviewed by Kasper Beaumont, author of the Hunters of Reloria fantasy series. www.huntersofreloria.weebly.com

    Links

    Website: http://ichabodtemperance.com/wp/

    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ichabod.temperance

    Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7077425.Ichabod_Temperance

    Twitter: https://twitter.com/IckyTemperance

    Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Ichabod-Temperance/e/B00J71862M/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1

    Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/Ichabod+Temperance?_requestid=1237758

     

    277 total views, 1 views today

    • Ichabod Temperance

      My trans-dimensional, temporal/scriptorator clockwork babbage must have fouled those quotation and apostrophe marks. I’ll ask Kaz to give it another go.
      Cheers!
      ~Icky. 🙂

    • Sally Ember, Ed.D.

      So fun! Thanks, Kasper and Ichabod!